He makes me laugh…he’s really cool…we have marathon phone conversations and I think he’s really sexy.  I’m totally into him, and he (praise God) is totally into me!  We meet a few times for lunch and are just planning on a dinner date.  It’s a Saturday afternoon…and I’m outside cleaning out my shed.  I came inside to get some lemonade and noticed I had a voicemail on my cell phone.  I went to play it, and accidentally hit the delete key, so I went into my deleted messages to pull it back up.  It said I had a call from “Chuck so and so”.  I’m thinking to myself…that’s odd….That sounds like Tom’s voice!  So I play it..and sure enough, it’s a message from Tom telling me he’s on his way to the gym and for me to give him a call when I get the message. 

Being the suspicious type….I’m now googling the unfamiliar name that Tom’s phone is saying is Tom!  But as I’m doing this, I’m trying to come up with all these reasons why Tom would have a phone belonging to another guy.  Maybe a cousin gave him the phone and he never changed that announcement…etc, etc.  Well during my google search, I am seeing several hits about a pastor officiating at a funeral, a wedding..so forth.  I then find one that links to the Methodist Church website.  I follow it, and I see that Chuck so and so is not only a Methodist pastor with a church in the area, but he’s also celebrating a wedding anniversary next month!  I go back to the search (there was no photo) and find a hit for Facebook.  I click on the link.  Of course, i am unable to view the profile because he has it blocked to anyone that isn’t on his friend list, but he does have a photo posted.  You guessed it!!  It’s a photo of MY TOM, but his name is Chuck!!!

So I go back to the Methodist website, and I see that there is a home phone number posted.  I call the number, and a woman answers.  I ask if Tom is in.  She says “I’m sorry, you must have the wrong number”.  I then as if Chuck is in.  She tells me that he’s out, but will be back in a few minutes, and wants to know if I want to leave a message.  I tell her that it isn’t important, but thank you.  And I hang up.

I then call “Tom’s” cell phone….and his voice mail picks up.  I left him a message as follows… “Hi baby, i just had the oddest thing happen.  Give me a call when you are out of the Gym”.   About 5 minutes later, I get a phone call.  It’s from the number listed as his home number on the Methodist website.  I answer.  It’s Tom.  He says “Hi, I understand you just called to speak to me?  Can I help you?”.  I say “Is this Tom?”  He says “I’m sorry, but you must have me confused with someone.”  I say “Oh…I see.  Well never mind, and you have a fucking FABULOUS day!”.  And I hung up. 

Less than 5 minutes later I get a phone call from Tom’s cell.  I say “hello”.  He says “Hi baby, I just got your message…what’s going on?”  I say “Look.  Lets stop pretending everything is ok.  Stop lying to me and tell me what’s going on”.  He then tries to act like he has no idea what the hell I’m talking about.  I say “Who is Chuck so and so…”  He says…I don’t know…but the name sounds familiar.”  I say “Listen….You either admit to me that YOU are Chuck, and that you are married with children…and a fucking PASTOR no less…or I’m going to show up at your church tomorrow with photo copies of all the emails we’ve exchanged, transcripts of our IM conversations and Photo’s….and I’m going to pass them out to your congregation as I stand up and give my testimony about how their pastor is nothing but a fraud hiding behind God”.

Needless to say, he started telling me the truth.  He is a MuiThia kick boxer that fights under the name of Tom so and so, and he is also a Methodist Minister that is married with two children, one of which is still at home.  Thats why his story rang so true.  He is married, but its complicated…they dont get along….basically just roommates…and he’s looking for love, etc …blah blah blah….

The rest is obvious.  I told him he should be thanking God that I’m not a vengeful person, and that we hadn’t had that dinner date that included a night of sex…or I would be showing up at his church the next day.

And yet….. I still continue to date.  I must be a masochist…lol.  Is there anyone out there that has luck as bad as I do???

Truth is so much stranger than fiction.

Again…of course, It was an online dating thing that put me on the professors’ (heretofore refered to as McFessor) radar.  I can’t blame all this on meeting people from dating sites.  If you think about it, no matter where you meet someone there is still going to be the unknown variables about that person.  I will say that meeting on dating sites may allow someone who is planning on being dishonest from the beginning a bit of an advantage though.

Anyway….

He messaged me, we exchanged photo’s (and the required video chat…lol), emailed and IM’d for a week or so before exchanging phone numbers.  We talked a few times over the phone before our first date, and he was impressive!  Two degrees…law and teaching, taught at a local college, was divorced with two boys…etc, etc.  We seemed to have a lot in common, we both had the same sense of humor (which is an absolute must for me) and seemed to be looking for the same things with dating; i.e. no drama, no games, and spending time getting to know each other.

I think it must have been early June when we first met because it was an absolutely beautiful evening!  We were meeting after work at Olive Garden for drinks.  I prefer to keep the first date very casual and low-key.  I hate the thought of being stuck sitting across from someone for an entire meal if things would be uncomfortable!  We met outside and there was instant attraction (yay!).  We grabbed a little table at the bar, ordered drinks and ended up talking for two hours.  When it was time for me to leave he walked me to my car, we gave each other hugs and a kiss goodbye (I remember thinking yay! again…lol) and off I went to pick up the little guy.  He sent me a text a few minutes later saying he had a great time and couldn’t wait to do it again (yep…you guessed it!  Another little YAY popped up in my mind).  Over the next week or so we talked, text and IM’d each other daily.  Ended up meeting again to have dinner and it was just as much fun as the first time. 

A few days later, on a Friday, he called me at work and asked if I would come over to his place that evening.  He was going to be there alone..no kids.  We could have some wine, sit around the fire pit, snuggle up and spend some quality alone time together..etc, etc, etc.  I had a little war with myself over this.  I really wanted to say yes, but I really liked this guy so far, and I knew that I’d probably not put up the block when things got hot and heavy.  I didn’t want to jump into bed with him too soon and mess it all up!  So, I said no….used lack of a sitter as an excuse and we made tentative plans to see each other again the following week.

I didn’t hear from him very much over the weekend.  Just a few texts here and there, which was no big deal, but on Tuesday I picked up the phone at work and it was him.  He started by telling me how he really likes me and I’m such a wonderful girl, and he was very sorry that we couldn’t get together on Friday…but that he had something to tell me.  I was like…”Uh oh – here it comes!”  The next thing I hear him say to me is “I got married on Monday!” 

Picture me sitting at my desk, mouth hanging open…jaw hitting the floor.

I said “What??” 

Evidently it turns out that he ran into his ex girlfriend a week or so ago and started seeing her again as well…and they decided over the weekend that it would be a good idea to head on down to the JP and get hitched!  Now there are several things about that explanation that are total bullshit..he was lying through his teeth…lol.  Needless to say I was NOT full of happy congratulatory statements!  I pretty much called him an asshole and a pig, and that he should be thanking God that I said no on Friday because if I would have come over and spent the night with him I’d be planning on how he was going to suffer right now!  At some point in the conversation he managed to toss in that his wedding photo’s would be on his MySpace page, and that he hoped I wouldn’t stay angry and we could continue being friends.  Yeah right! 

Being the curious girl that I am, I had to go and check out the photo’s!  And OMG I’m sooooo glad I did!  I called a “sister call” with Vanessa and Kristin and we all viewed the photo’s as I filled them in on the story.  He and his “wife” did go to the JP to perform the ceremony.  He was dressed in jeans and a Harley shirt.  She had on a sun dress and flip-flops.  Yes….I said flip-flops!  You did not miss read that!  The kids (his two and her daughter) had on t-shirts and basketball shorts and tennis shoes!  There were more photo’s of them all in the same outfits at Joe’s Crab Shack afterwards.  I’m guessing that was the reception?  HAHAHAH!!  My God!!  Who the hell gets married in flip-flops!!!!  It was all very bizarre, really.  I mean both times we got together he was dressed really nice and seemed so professional!  And yet he gets married in a Harley t-shirt?

Now here is the kicker!  About 3 weeks later I get another McFessor call at work.  He tells me that she left him, that it was all a mistake and he never should have married her…and they were getting the marriage annulled.  Could we please meet after work for drinks because he really needs someone to talk to…blah blah blah.  I immediately started laughing and told him that he was insane if he thought I’d meet him again.  I also pointed out that he shouldn’t be shocked that this was happening, and that he should have known she wasn’t serious about it if she showed up at her OWN wedding wearing flip-flops!  He got a little salty at that and told me that I wasn’t the person he thought I was if I could be so callous with my comments.  I told him that I was very happy that I wasn’t the kind of person he thought I was, wished him a happy divorce, and hung up! 

Geeeeeeeeze!!!!!!!!!

Needless to say…after about 15 minutes of goodnight hugs, kisses and fumbling over coats against the front door all bets were off.  They went inside, kicked the front door closed and he slammed her up against the living room wall…peeled their clothes off and proceded to teach her exactly what wall sex was all about, including the hair pulling and butt slaps!!  Is it smart to have wall sex with someone who is basically a stranger?  Nope!  Was it hot?  Yep!!!!  Would she do it again?  Well, there were several other encounters with McWall-sex, but I don’t think she would ever do this type of thing again..lol.

She asks me how I know him, and that she is dating him and they are going to Florida next month and she just want’s to know If I will please tell her what is going on before she jumps to conclusions.  Well what am I supposed to do? Lie to her?  Heck no!!  Us girls have to stick together!  I told he exactly what was going on…I sent her copies of our IM conversations and emails…and the entire time he’s blowing up both of our cell phones and leaving voicemail full of more lies that are doing nothing but making him look like an even bigger idiot and digging himself in deeper!! 

Let’s just say that poor McOld is going to be McLonley in Florida…and I have made a new friend!  Hahahah!!  I wonder what I should do with the flowers when they arrive tomorrow……Hmmmmm.

This brings to mind one of my very first online dating site “dates”.  I don’t understand why someone who posts a fake photo and lies about who they are would pay to join a dating site, initiate contact with someone and actually arrange to meet that someone in person.  Seriously?  Did he honestly think I wouldn’t notice that he looked NOTHING like his photo, or how he described himself?  Not that I’m completely focused on how someone looks.  Actually I’m much more interested in who they are inside.  However, there has to be an attraction…or what is the point?

So…as it turned out, Mr. 6’2, muscular, health fanatic, tan and blue eyes that owns his own landscaping business…turned out to be “Skeletor”.  The poor man was lucky to weigh 110 lbs soaking wet, was maybe 5’10, chain smoked Camel no filter cig’s and drove an old pick up truck with a lawnmower and an edger in the back of the bed (I’m guessing this was his landscaping business).  As soon as I saw him I though “omg he looks like he’s going to pass out from starvation!” and wanted to feed him…but then I came to my senses and got royally pissed off that he lied about what he looked like….so I’m sure he lied about everything else that made me want to meet him in the first place! 

Thankfully (I know, that sounds bad), about 5 minutes before he arrived to pick me up for our breakfast date, my youngest son threw up all over the place and was obviously coming down with something!  I called him to let him know that I would be able to make it, but he was turning onto my street when he answered the call.  So he came in, I gave him a cup of coffee…and booted out of the door!! 

I learned a few valuable lessons on online dating with Skeletor.  Online dating rule #1:  Never…and I mean EVER let them come to pick you up…always arrange to meet them somewhere and arrive a little early to scope them out first!  Online dating rule #2:  Insist on viewing them on webcam first!  That way they can’t lie with a fake photo!  This was my initiation into online dating…hopefully reading about my experience and tips will keep you from experiencing your own “Skeletor”.

When we first start dating it is full of mystery, expectations and those beloved “butterflies” that we become so addicted to.  I have such precious memories of my very first love…and it all began on a hot summer afternoon when I was 15…walking to St. Roberts fair. 

However…hahaha!!  Once we have fallen in and out of love a few times over the course of our lives…we tend to become somewhat jaded.  I should tell you now that I have a slight obsession with Patrick Dempsey and his character “McDreamy”.  Every time I see him onscreen gazing at Meredith with those dreamy eyes it just makes me melt.  I want to find someone who will look at me the way he looks at her.  That isn’t so much to ask, is it?   

From that hot summer day at St. Roberts Fair when I was 15, till now…a single, divorced mom of 42, sitting in my kitchen with a cup of coffee next to me, my laptop fired up and ready to go, and my youngest son building a Lego fortress in the living room….there have been pretty much NO McDreamy’s along the way!  There have been, however…lots of interesting McSteamy’s (omg remind me to tell you about McWall-Sex some time), painful heartbreak, and down right hilarious situations that I have been in.  Thats the point of this blog for me.  An outlet to share those stories with anyone who cares to read them…and the chance to hear some of yours! I have two very close girlfriends…more like sisters, really, that you will be introduced to later.  We are slightly scattered about now, so at the very least, once a month we have a 3-way phone conversation.  The only rule is that we each open our bottle of wine at the same time and cheer to our friendship before we start.   These are some of the best conversations I’ve ever had!  We talk about it all…and share everything!    My hope is that this blog will become an extension of these girl calls.  I welcome comments, advice and of course…your stories to share as well!  The first ”Mc”stories to follow soon!!